The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Randomize
