I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Randomize
