the new term for farting is butt boxing.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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