He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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