Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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