Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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