Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Randomize
