this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
