apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize