Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Randomize
