you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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