Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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