Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Randomize