totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Randomize
