your parents love me but you hate me
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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