In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
