Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
