so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
