she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
