I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
my poor anus
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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