dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
