I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
