The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
