She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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