i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
