I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
