I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
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