I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
