I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
