i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
