So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
