I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
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