Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
