He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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