She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
