I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
