I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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