when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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