I'd wear matching sweaters with you
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
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