I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Randomize
