Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
