I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
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