what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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