You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
only you would photoshop your dick
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
