remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
