I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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