if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
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