Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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