i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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