everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
