You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Randomize
