she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Randomize
