Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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