okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
