somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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