My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Randomize
