oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
