I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
