Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
