i wish starbucks made bloody marys
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
