i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Randomize
