I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
