god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize