i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
he just fucked me for my cheese.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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