So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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