I cannot find my penis.
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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