shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
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